podpolia

I recently finished teaching 12th grade Humanities and AP English, and so it is now time to put up the quotes that I have had building up on small slips of paper on my desk.

The AP class was reading No Exit by Jean Paul Sartre.
Me: “According to the play, what is hell?”
Student 1: “Hell is other people.”
Student 2: “Like Walmart!”

A later discussion in the class in which a student was referring to Greek mythology:
Student 1: “So Zeus comes down as an elephant to have sex with some woman, and…”
Everyone else: “Ouch!”

In the introduction to a student’s outline for his artist speech:
“Vincent van Gogh cut off his left earlobe to give to a prostitute. How’s that for an attention getter.”

A discussion held on December 8th:
Student 1: “Does anyone know why the flag is at half mast today?”
Student 2: “Pearl Harbor Day was yesterday.”
Student 1: “But that was yesterday!”
Student 2: “Well, they’re still dead.”

From an essay on the final exam discussing a close-up of a flower by Georgia O’Keeffe (and referring to the rather… erm… Freudian ideas that have become associated with many of them):
“For once, I believe O’Keefe was simply trying to capture the simply beauty of a common flower, in a non-vaginal way.”

Another final exam essay, this one discussing our philosophy unit:
“It was interesting to hear everyone’s opinions on different ideas. I had some ideas planted in my head and some ideas left my head.”

And one last quote from an exam question discussing religion (and the massive overpopulation of the planet that seems to have snuck up on me unawares):
“In my opinion, religion was most important because it is such a big part of everyday life for trillions of people around the world.”

During a presentation on a philosopher:
“He wore a cape and a pointed beard. I guess he had to dress weird because he was a philosopher.”

A discussion on the usability of laurel as decorative plants:
“The problem with laurel is that it spreads all over and you can’t kill it.”
“Oh, like chlamydia!”

While discussing eagles:
“Isn’t California’s state bird some kind of eagle?”
“Oh, I thought it was a bear…”

While discussing Hemmingway’s short story “Hills Like White Elephants”:
“Is the title of the story referring to the ‘elephant in the room’?”
[Second student looks around the room] “Where?!”

While being shown a map of countries coloured according to the percentage of their Muslim population:
Student 1: “Where’s Antarctica?”
Me: “Um… nobody really lives there.”
Student 2: “Yeah, and all the penguins are Mormon anyway.”

A student discussing their weekend:
“I had a bunch of English professors at my house Saturday. They all got drunk, chased my dog with a stick, and talked about Sylvia Plath.”

Turned in in lieu of a paragraph written on the previous evening’s readings:
“It’s an unfortunate situation that I both dropped my book in my locker rather than my backpack, did not have the assembly to read it, and spent the night working and then with my mother’s cousins, being regaled with stories of my great uncle who was excommunicated for being caught naked in a bathtub with a naked female missionary. Forgive me.”

Written at the top of a peer-checked vocabulary quiz:
“[Student 1],
I regret to inform you that you have earned only 34 out of 35 points. If you require comforting in this time of need, feel free to contact me at any time.
Sincerest Apologies,
[Student 2]“

“Day 1
Trapped, no food
HELP!”

On forgetting to hand in a paper at the end of the school day:
“I was halfway to my car when I realized, and I said a very profound word.”

On divisions of poetry:
“It’s in the third kwanzaa.”

On the birds and the bees:
“Life begins at contraception.”

On politeness:
“I mean, if you’re going to talk about me, at least wait until I’m out of hear-sight.”

On COMPLETELY changing the meaning of Emily Dickinson while reading aloud:
“Because I could not stop for Death / He kindly stopped for me; / The carriage held but just ourselves / And Immorality.”
(Said another student regarding the situation so described, “it sounds like they worked out some kind of deal.”)

On divisions within Islam:
“Islam is similar [to Christianity] because it has branches like Sunni, Sushi, etc.”

On Francis Bacon’s love life:
“He was gay, and had an affair with John [a young man, I've forgotten the name], and taught him a few things.”
-Laughter-
“No, I meant John was his student at the same time!”

From a student paper on religious topics in the news:
“Sydney, a city in New York, has declared that a burial site on a 50 acre Muslim farm is not actually illegal. The city board and its supervisor are being called bigamists because they [...] supported anti-Islamic bigotry in the town.”

I mean, I can see calling them bigots, but their wives must really be surprised about this.

I have been grading the papers that my students were required to write for the cultural events they attended, which are a part of the course requirements for Humanities. There have been a number of interesting ones thus far:

The “Unintentional Truth” category:

“Overall, the gallery was more interesting than I intended it to be.”
“I’m not much into bluegrass but after a while you tend to tolerate it.”

The “Creative Title” category:

(For a lecture by Eric Schlosser at Dickinson College’s Schlecter Auditorium): “Lecture at Schlecter by Schlosser”

The “So My Mom Won’t Kill Me” category:

“There were 2 songs that involved singing that I found to be done well, and those were “We are the World” by Michael Jackson, and “Say hello” by the Beatles. Why did I like them you ask? For the simple fact that my sister sang them with the Luhrs chorus, and I’m kind of obligated to like them.”

Sometimes you can tell what a student is trying to say, but the grammar gets tied up in knots. Occasionally, this produces a statement with a certain Zen effect:

“This era for music was found to help people learn material such as a mental child to tie their shoes, or even good study habits it improved.”

Sometimes a student searching for the right word will choose one that is semantically loaded in a way slightly different from the one they intend:

“Artists like Mozart and Beethoven were also dull in my opinion but these two artists were some of the best of their time and I enjoyed the educational value they imposed on me.”

An excerpt from a paper on Elvis Presley that I am currently grading:

“Some say he had a heart attack and some says he overdosed on cocaine. He made great examples for music and humanities classes.”

My humanities classes have been giving speeches on various composers as a part of the music unit. Today, a group was presenting Mozart, and was playing a sample of his music — in this case an opera. When the singing began, several students began snickering under their breath. The student presenting said, “You can laugh if you want, but I really don’t want to know what people in two or three hundred years think of the music we have today. I think they will be very disappointed.”

Rather sums up the longevity of some of today’s music, I think…