There are a number of lessons that can be learned from this particular story that I read today in an old newspaper:
“A BEAR FIGHT.
A Gentleman from Cayuga county, between the Seneca and Cayuga lakes, relates that a Mr. Wayborne, a farmer in Ovid township, went out one afternoon through the woods in search of his horses, taking with him his rifle, with the only load of ammunition he had in the house. On his return home, about an hour before dark, he perceived a very large bear crossing the path; on which he instantly fired, and the bear fell, but immediately recovered his legs, made for a deep ravine, a short way a head. Here he tracked him a while by the blood; but night coming on, and expecting to find him dead in the morning, he returned home. A little before daybreak the next morning, taking a pitchfork and hatchet, and his son, a boy of ten or eleven years of age, with him, he proceeded to the place in quest of the animal — The glen or ravine, into which he had disappeared the evening before, is eighty or ninety feet from the top of the banks to the bottom of the brook below: down the precipice a stream of three or four yards in breadth is precipitated in one unbroken sheet, and forming a circular bason or pool, winds away among thick underwood below.
After reconnoitering every probably place of retreat, he at length discovered the bear, who had made his way up the other side of the ravine, as far as the rocks would admit him, and sat under a projecting cliff, steadfastly eying the motions of his enemy.
Wayborne desiring his boy to remain where he was, took the pitchfork and descending to the bottom, determined to attack him from below.
The bear kept his position until he got within six or seven feet, when, on the instant of making a stab with the pitchfork, he found himself grappled by Bruin, and both together rolled down towards the pond, at least twenty or twenty-five feet, the bear munching his left arm and breast, and hugging him almost to suffocation — By great exertion he forced his right arm partly down his throat, and in that manner endevoured to strangle him, but once more hurled headlong down through the bushes, a greater distance than before, into the water. –Here, finding the bear gaining on him, he made one desperate effort, and forced his head partly under water, and repeated his exertions, at length weakened the animal so much, that calling to his boy, who stood on the other side, in a state little short of distraction for the fate of his father he sunk the edge of his hatchet, by repeated blows, into his brain.
Wayborne, though a robust muscular man, was with great difficulty able to crawl home, where he lay for upwards of three weeks, with his wounds, his arm being mashed from the shoulder to the elbow into the bone, and his breast severely mangled. The bear weight upwards of FOUR HUNDRED and TWENTY pounds.
N. Y. paper.”
Lesson #1 – Do NOT attack a bear with a pitchfork. It just isn’t a good idea.
Lesson #2 – In 1804, America was in the midst of a terrible shortage of periods. As a result, brave frontiersmen of this area were forced to grow their own commas and use them instead. It is quite possible that the young boy in the story had said that very day, “Father, how long must we continue using these commas, how soon will we have periods again? I am forced to talk and talk, unable to come to a full stop, and the only way I am able to rest is to come up with another way to end my statements, and despite our best efforts we are unable to find a replacement;– even the semicolon-and-hyphen does not allow me to rest long enough, and I am forced to continue speaking, until I can bring my sentence to a close in another way;– are you not tired as well, Father?”
To which his father probably replied, “Shut up and get the pitchfork” and simply omitted the period. Those early Americans were a resourceful lot.
Lesson #3 – We have learned a lot from our insane ancestors with their sharp garden implements. I was discussing this post with Steph, and when I explained what I was writing, she said, “I knew something retarded was coming out of that” — but notice, she didn’t use a period either! That is the story of the American spirit. We have gone from a nation of tough pioneers who would rather go after a threatening enormous bear with things they found in the garage to a nation that actually occasionally pays attention to what Sean Penn, Tom Cruise and Barbra Streisand have to say.
Lesson #4 – Despite all that, it is now considered impolite to jam your arm down their throat in an attempt to strangle them.