podpolia

for those of you who have commented, no, i haven't written much lately. my life is boring, and fairly depressing, so i feel it's better for my audience not to have to listen to it. in summary of the past week: i've had tests. and regular classes. that's about it.

last night, i was doing my usual friday night thing.
i wandered around shippensburg, around the campus, past all the people partying and so on.
as i usually do, i went down and sat on the bridge where britton road crosses burd's run. for those who don't know the bridge i'm talking about, it's a concrete bridge maybe 15 feet long, and perhaps 8 feet above burd's run. on this particular evening, burd's run was slightly higher than normal, and was maybe a foot deep and 7 feet wide.
anyhow, i was sitting on this bridge, looking at the water, the sky, the rock face with the scraggly trees that overhangs craig's meadow at that place, and listening to the sound the run made passing over the rocks and under the bridge. i had taken my jacket off and was sitting on the bridge wearing my combat fatigues and a t-shirt. cars went past occasionally, and i'd glance up to see them when they got past… after about 10 minutes or so like this, a campus police cruiser drove past. it slowed down, pulled into the new university storage parking lot, and sat there for a while. a few minutes later, another cruiser drove up to the first and they sat and talked to each other for a few minutes, and then both pulled out, turning to drive past me again.
the cruiser in the lead slowed approaching the bridge, and pulled to a stop next to me. i turned around, and the officer shone a REALLY FRIGGIN' BRIGHT light in my face.
“what are you doing?”
“uh… i'm sitting on the bridge, watching the water.”
“just watching the water?”
“um… yeah…”
“you weren't thinking of hurting yourself, or jumping off the bridge, were you?”
“no! and besides, if i jumped off the bridge here i'd not do anything besides break an ankle.”
a short pause, and the light goes out, and the officer gets out of the car. at this signal, the two officers in the second cruiser, a man and a woman, both get out of their car and all three walk over to me. all three have flashlights that they shine around, but mostly at me or in my face. which is incredibly hard on my eyes, as i've been sitting in the dark for the past 10 minutes or so.
“are you a student here?”
“yes…”
“and you're feeling ok?”
“yeah…”
“are you on the football team?”
woah. that one really came out of left field. in retrospect, i suppose it's because of my really short haircut, short mohawk, and broad shoulders that he asked this. unless maybe the football team had REALLY lost badly earlier that day or something…
“um… no….”
“can i see your student ID?”
“uh… yeah, hold on.”
i unbutton the wallet pocket on my BDUs, and pull out my wallet, switching it to my left hand and pulling it out in front of me so the chain on it doesn't keep me from being able to get to it. i open it, and dig through the cards looking for my ID card and pull it out. it's worn (being close to three years old now) and faded, and the guy in the picture doesn't look much like me at all. and also looks incredibly stoned.
“how long have you been a student here?”
“uh… i think… yeah. since spring 2002.”
“are you in the military?”
this one makes more sense. i AM wearing desert pattern combat fatigues.
“no.”
he hands my card back. the flashlights play over me some more as i put the card back in my wallet and stick it back into my pocket, buttoning the pocket behind it.
“well, we just had to make sure you weren't going to do anything to hurt yourself…”
“that's ok. yeah.”
the woman officer shines her flashlight over the edge of the bridge the whole way down to the raging trickle of burd's run a dizzying eight feet below.
“well, it doesn't look like he'd be able to do TOO much damage that way…”
“yeah, i guess not…”
i opened my mouth to repeat my comment about how it would only break an ankle, and decided not to when i recalled that that was what got them to get out of their cars in the first place, and quickly closed my mouth again.
“well, you take care. we just had to make sure you were ok.”
“allright, yeah… i understand.”
they got into their cruisers, the man and woman in the second cruiser talking among themselves and the officer in the first cruiser commenting on what they were saying, and they drove off.
i watched them go (one of them pulled off into the parking lot at the township park and sat there for a couple minutes. i don't know if they were writing down in their log what had gone on, or if they were making sure i wasn't going to take a leap just to spite them) feeling an odd combination of annoyance, relief, and hysterical amusement. after enough time that it wouldn't seem like they had scared me out of jumping to my doom, i got up and walked back into town, still shaking my head.
it was all very surreal… i went from the quiet sound of a babbling brook to three campus police officers with flashing bright lights and shining flashlights into my face, and then going back to the quiet of the babbling brook, and the purple afterimages of bouncing lights floating before my eyes, between me and the stream and the meadow.
weird.

tonight, while wandering around the mall, it felt as though my soul were scorched and still burning.
later, it felt as if it had died, and i felt almost giddy for a moment…
but now it's back to scorching.
-sigh-

i don't even know what i want right now. do i want to drop out of school? do i wanna switch to another school? do i just want to enjoy the school i'm at? do i just wish i were dead?
frankly, yes. to all of them.
i would be satisfied with just being happy at ship. but that's about as likely to happen as my desk suddenly turning into a giant pig and taking off and flying me to the moon. it's just not going to happen. i don't know anybody, and besides the fact that i really don't have anywhere i can really meet people, i've firmly established the fact that i CANNOT meet people. at least, not by myself. and as there isn't anybody around to introduce me to people, i'm basically stuck.
and i can't do any of those things on that list up there.
i realize how awful it must be to put up with reading the stuff i write in my journal. i'm a bitter old man already, and i'm only 20. imagine how i'm going to be by the time i graduate from this university and am able to walk out from the gates of Dis.
at least i'm getting it out of my system. kinda.

well, it's week three of this semester. world geography is ok, recent us history is AWFUL, state and local government is pretty bad, international relations is pretty bad, and believe it or not, problems of the environment is ok.
while the subject matter for geography and the environment classes aren't anything fascinating, they make the rest look bad by comparison. oh, state and local government is just boring. some of his rules for our paper that we're supposed to do are dumb, and he's fond of sending us packets of notes (that i THINK he expects us to print out and bring to class, though i haven't yet) that are 30 pages thick.
history and international politics are pretty bad as well. but this reason is different. while i'm interested in the subject matter of these classes the most of any of my classes, they're VERY politically biased. we spent an entire day focusing on how awful the republicans were in the late 1800s, and how the democrats and socialists were the true heroes of the time. we have also learned about how white anglo-saxon protestant males 'oppressed' everyone and everything the whole time. trends among groups are presented as irrevocable facts (the whites hated the freed slaves, and did everything in their power to oppress them more). while i'm not saying i agree with everything that happened at the time, there is a DEFINITE trend in whose ideals we're attacking, and it's downright DEPRESSING to read the (as much as) 50-70 pages per class. i have no problems with the professor. he does make a very strong effort to present an unbiased view of how things were, and succeeds at being at least fairer and less depressing than the textbooks.
possibly the worst (and one of the classes that i should be the MOST interested in and enjoy the most) is international politics. the notes she puts on the overhead are objective, but that's the only thing. she has put it quite plainly that she does NOT like rationalism, and just LOVES idealism.
for those of you who don't know the terminology- rationalists believe that human beings are flawed and decisions must be made accordingly to compensate (or as she puts it “humans are evil and power hungry and you have to be macchiavellian just to survive), whereas idealists believe that man is perfectable (usually through institutions) and that you just have to create the proper circumstances and people will behave themselves and everyone will be happy. overall, the people who are rationalists tend to be republicans, whereas idealists tend to be democrats.
she spares no time or effort in going on about how bad rationalism is, and how great idealism is. and it wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that it's going to be these things that the ENTIRE SEMESTER is going to be based on.
and we have no opportunity to argue back yet. i hope we get the opportunity. i hate being indoctrinated and would LOVE the opportunity to slash and burn some rhetoric.

i am terrified of people.
i do not ENJOY meeting new people. it's incredibly taxing on me… i'm so nervous and uptight that i have a terrible time even answering questions that are asked me. i have trouble talking loud enough for people to hear me. i have absolutely no idea what to say, where to look, or what body language i should be using. in short, it's a frightening experience.
and even with time, it hasn't gotten better.
i went to CF tonight, and as usual, i sat in the back. a number of people came up and talked to me, some longer than others (the ones that have more questions and are willing to sustain the conversations themselves are the ones who last longer). once again i felt like a jerk because i couldn't just talk to them, and make them feel at least NORMAL in conversation with me. instead my eyes flit everywhere, i make myself as small and non-threatening as possible, and i quietly answer questions that are asked of me. eventually they tire of prodding me to get me to talk, and give up. i don't blame them. i wouldn't want to talk to me either. not that i'd be able to if i DID want to…
the sermon was about how wonderful college life is. how it is just as important as the 'real world' we'll be entering when we get out. (or in my case, serve my term.) how we're meeting new friends that we'll keep in touch with for the rest of our lives and we're having all this fun and will never forget it.
i wanted to get up and walk out. and i probably would have, if i hadn't been terrified that somebody would follow me and ask me what was wrong, why i was leaving in the middle of a wonderful sermon.
and then i would have to tell them.
i do not want anyone's pity. i want people's understanding and acceptance of me for who i am and what i am. but i do not want pity. and even more, i do not want to be a burden.
if i am going to be anti-social involuntarily, then so be it. i don't want people feeling the need to drag me around and MAKE me be social. it would be an incredible burden on them, because it's almost impossible for me to make myself TALK to people, much less meet people and hang out with them. and then the person trying to help me would merely bash their head against the wall created my by stiffened body, paralyzed in fear.
the sad thing is that i will probably put myself through the same thing next thursday night. i know it does no good, and it is only harder on my mind, i keep forcing myself to do it. i force myself to get close to people, even to the point of being surrounded, but by myself. i want to make myself interact, but much as i want to talk to this nice guy over here or that cute girl over there, i can't make myself do it. the closer i am to people, the lonelier i get. but i feel the need for human interaction, and can't make myself cross the threshold and do it. if i'm alone (which i usually am, sitting right here in front of the computer) loneliness isn't as bad… but like a moth to a lantern, i'm drawn to the light only to smash against the glass wall of my own fear.
well, there's a good reason to keep me on the zoloft. it's only when it wears off that i go diving into the metaphors.